Reforming those learned frames of mind

Last week, a daily “broadcast” of my life’s cycle (shared below) brought a reoccurring thought to my mind. It’s a thought that frequently swims through the vast oceans of my mind without permission and yields its sometimes treacherous, rippling waves through those corners of memories that remain dormant until activated.

As I age, I realize the truth behind this. However, this is not my first realization that my childhood molded the very thoughts that were most detrimental to loving myself. Through my adolescents, teenage years, and even adulthood, despite my sexuality, I disagreed with gay marriage and even feared my gay-ness. Coming to terms with the knowledge that I would “go to hell” if I allowed myself to be who I felt I was inside left me devastated and unable to relate to those around me. My heart was cracked open. I became miserable, began self-harming and crying myself to sleep at night.

There were even times in my young adolescents and adult life that I very much thought the entire world, even my family, would be much better off if I ended their misery of having a gay daughter, niece, cousin, aunt, or sibling. With that knowledge, trying desperately to fit into the mold not meant for me left me feeling uncomfortable in my skin. Life felt impossible.

Thankfully, somehow, little by little, I’ve been able to grow and become closer to the version of myself – my true self – that I am meant to be. With any luck, that growth can continue.

Published by C. Redfearn

I have spent my life writing small blogs since adolescents and tucking them away in notebooks and binders - hiding it from the world. In my early twenties I began posting anonymously through blogger.com. My writing has transformed through time, emotions, changes and the ups and downs of life to what I feel can at times be a much deeper side of myself. I enjoy finding that empathetic piece within me that is able to relate with others on any plane and connect my soul with theirs. Writing is my way of putting what I am feeling into words, which can at times be hard to express. Hopefully, through this faucet of my inner self, some will be able to relate to me and my growth.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: